Fanart of Travis Phelps from Sally Face, writing in a journal

Welcome to my diary. Be warned that nothing here is accompanied by a trigger warning. It is the unfiltered talking space of someone who, in a word, "is fucked up". This isn't a happy or relaxing page! Proceed only if your curiosity outweighs any discomfort with dark topics.

⊳ Home
⊳ Archive


Lyric of the Day: My love, it got its lick back / Destroyed me, I deserved that / Tell the truth, tell the truth / Why can't I ever love like you?


I've been way too busy with writing lately to keep my diary updated...! I'm participating in NaNoWriMo, which is every November. It challenges writers to write a 50k novel in a month! I'm not doing that, though. I'm just using the month as an opportunity to focus a lot more on my writing, to see how high my word count will go, without a set goal! So far, I've written 2 Gary and Marshall Lee fanfics, one Owl House fanfic, one article for my site, one essay (which technically I had to do for school, but I'm counting anyway because it's still writing!), and one page for a shrine! Writing it all down like that sorta makes me realize how much I've done, even if I've felt like I've been slacking. (This diary entry is also going towards my word count, by the way. I make the rules! It's actually what pushed my word count over 10k.)

In the meantime, there was a scare with the end of tumblr recently! As per usual. There was a statement that was meant to remain between the staff of tumblr that got leaked, that revealed that tumblr's team was gonna be largely cut down. A lot of people figured this was the site getting ready to shut down, with the staff being slowly downgraded until it sunsets.

But, of course, everyone was panicking over nothing, per usual with tumblr's many greatly-exaggerated "deaths". The CEO held an AMA where he cleared up a lot of things. Mainly that, yes, the site is cutting down its staff, but it's planning to dedicate that staff to honing the core features of the site. He seems rather optimistic about the team downsizing. A quote that REALLY gives me hope is, "I think one fair criticism of our 600+ person-years of effort we've put in since the acquisition of Tumblr was that we were spread too thin. We spent a lot of time and effort on things that weren't well received, and neglected some core functionality and stability. In 2024 we'll try to hone in on making the core parts of Tumblr that people love really hum and work well. The good news is, we've learned what didn't work! And won't do those things again." AND he revealed that the reason tumblr was pushing Live so damn hard was because of a literal contractual obligation to try and make it as successful as possible. This contract is set to expire at the end of this year, where the tumblr team will "re-assess whether it should be a part of the tumblr app anymore".

Needless to say, we are SO fucking back. (Per usual, following a period of, "It's so over.") I'm actually feeling optimistic about tumblr for the first time in a while! And maybe it's the corporate propaganda working on me (especially because reading about how much they're struggling DID make me buy a year of ad-free tumblr), but I can have a little capitalistic brainwashing, as a treat.

In other social media-related news, I've been watching a lot of a particular V-Tuber lately! I've only really watched one V-Tuber regularly before, and that was Dollip Daze. But I was watching her well before she had a V-Tuber model, and fell off of watching her a while ago, because she doesn't stream many games that I'm interested in anymore (although I do still tune in when she's playing something I'm familiar with). Some months ago, though, I started watching Andou! He's a genderfluid imp who mainly does art streams. I originally learned about them through Verdant sending me their model and telling me that it was my gender, which... Yeah, he got me there. (Fat genderweird demon who loves sweets and has a predominantly pink color palette? AND she has two models to switch between genders? He just like me, for real, for real...) So, I followed them! I was a passive fan, but I started REALLY getting into watching him after I got a notification for him doing a stream dedicated to the indie web (where I, of course, was very active in the chat the whole time, because I'm very autistic about the subject). The vibe there was a lot different compared to Dollip, because Dollip usually pays more attention to what she's doing, while Andou pretty obviously prioritizes fostering a community, and responds to chat messages a lot more often. She's the first V-Tuber I've watched that I've really connected to (although, of course, I take care to check myself for parasocialisms regularly).

In recent happenings: I'm no longer the president of my college's Neurodiversity Club. Thank God. After the trip I went on for the club, we had a meeting where everyone was saying, "This isn't just a laid-back social club anymore! We have a platform! We need to make big social changes and big steps!" And I was just sitting there like...


I am also currently writing this around an hour and a half before I'm going to give my panel at Othercon!! The one I mentioned in my March diary entries; the one on alterhumanity and autism that I did a poll for. AHH! I'm so excited but so nervous...! I'm not really good at speaking for long periods of time... But I have water and cough drops and also a script for the majority of the panel. So! Hopefully, that means it'll be okay! I put a lot of love into the panel, so I hope everyone will like it!!

Needless to say, when one of the higher officers approached me to ask me to step down (essentially saying, "Your strengths lie in the activities (read: the laid-back social club stuff), but we should have someone else as president moving forward"), I was like, "Oh, thank God."

There's also some school stuff going on right now (damn biology class), but I'll talk about that in my next entry, I think. Ciao!


Lyric of the Day: I just needed company now / Yeah, I just needed someone around / Yeah, I don't care what song that we play / Or mess that we make / Just company now


Yesterday was Thanksgiving! It was pretty chill. I had turkey and mac n cheese, and some lemon-type pie. My family was relatively nice...

There was one issue, though. After our Thanksgiving meal, I heard my brother throwing up. Multiple times. I checked on him (of course), and he reassured me that he just ate too much. Which wasn't very reassuring at all, because throwing up after eating, even if involuntary, is a serious sign of an eating disorder.

See, my brother is a bit of a health nut. He buys specialty foods for their healthy qualities, and even has a measuring scale for measuring out how much food he eats. That, combined with this, had me worried. Once you realize boys can have eating disorders, it really opens your eyes to how many of them do.

I messaged mom with this information, and asked for her to keep an eye on him. My mom is also a diet nut, so I expected her to brush it off with a, "It's for health, so it's fine!" Thankfully, Mom came in with one of her incredibly rare Ws, responding, "Yes, I am way ahead of you on this one. I have been watching him for a while." Which I'm very glad for. I knew if I was the only one who was concerned, I'd be the one who had to talk to him about it, and I try to mind my own business and be respectful with his privacy, whenever possible.

Regarding school: I am probably going to fail biology class. See, this whole time, I've been getting assigned "reviews". I thought it was optional, because, duh. Every single time something is labeled as a "review", in my experience, it has been optional. Turns out, it wasn't. And even after completing everything for half points, I'd need to get 100% on every single assignment from now on, just to get above a 70!

I sort of had a major mental breakdown about this where I considered suicide. This time, directly in front of my mom, which is not ideal, to say the least. I know I have a problem with equating my self-worth to my grades (thanks for that, Dad), and I'm trying to fight it, but dammit, this problem has hands!! I felt better after Verdant told me that his sister failed and had to retake a college class, even though she's super smart...

Knowing that I'm probably gonna fail makes it really hard to give a shit about studying, though. I have an exam in a few days (it feels like I'm always taking exams for this damn class), and I'm tempted to just wing it. I know there's no chance that I'm gonna get a 100% on everything, considering that this is my worst class... So, why stress myself out? It's going to end the same way. I think I'm still gonna try, though. If I just gave up, I'd just end up feeling even worse about myself.

I also watched Scott Pilgrim vs The World for the first time, in preparation for watching the anime that just released! For all everyone online talked about how Scott is a horrible pedo abuser incel, I was surprised when the movie turned out to be all about how Scott is a shitty person, and how he grows from it, on top of commentary regarding how men see women as means to their own self-actualization. Talk about whiplash. Maybe I should've expected this, though; I know better than to trust the internet populus' media literacy.