Fanart of Travis Phelps from Sally Face, writing in a journal

Welcome to my diary. Be warned that nothing here is accompanied by a trigger warning. It is the unfiltered talking space of someone who, in a word, "is fucked up". This isn't a happy or relaxing page! Proceed only if your curiosity outweighs any discomfort with dark topics.

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Lyric of the Day: Where did you find his shoes? / A lock of my hair? / All we did is kiss / On my grave, I swear


Happy New Year's!

I got a lot of good stuff for Christmas! Like a printer (God, I love physical media), and a VR headset, which I bought to play with Verdant! I thought it'd be good, since we're long distance and all. I got a ton of SUPER-cute clothes, my favorite of which being SICK high-heeled boots with demon wings on the side! (My mom admitted to almost not buying me a moon necklace she bought me, due to it saying "occult" in the description. She said this to be funny. It just reminded me how stuck-up Christians are.)

I'm glad that Christmas is over. Obviously, because of Religious Trauma, it's a rough time of year for me.

For New Year's, I didn't do much special! I played Gartic Phone with a group of MILGRAM fans on tumblr, lovingly put together based off of the description 'losers who have nothing better to do on New Year's.' That was really fun! I stayed up with Verdant for both my New Year's and his, since we live in different time zones.

Verdant and I also watched Sasaki and Miyano together, and I really liked it!! One of the rare BL anime that doesn't involve any noncon elements. (I am aware that the bar is literally on the floor.) I've been watching more anime recently (particularly, queer anime) since I also just finished the first (and currently only) season of I'm In Love With The Villainess, which is a yuri that I absolutely loved!

My little brother is trying out new stuff too, recently! He's been learning to play the guitar! Which is good for him!... But also, his room is just one room over, and he is very loud... It's awful when I'm trying to sleep early or nap, and it's sensory hell if it happens at the wrong time... At least he's getting better recently...

I realized, also, that I never updated with my final word count for NaNoWriMo!! It ended up being 20,819 words! I really pushed myself, so I'm super happy!

I will say, though, some WILD shit occurred to me over fucking... URL trading, recently. I wanted to have a whole entry dedicated to it, so I wanted to get this update out of the way! Happy 2024!


Lyric of the Day: I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet / A pawn and a king / I've been up and down and over and out / And I know one thing


So, the URL trading shit.

Lately, I've been involved with URL trading on a rentry clone, sntry. Both are pastebin sites, but sntry lets you use limited CSS while rentry doesn't. I just wanted a small handful of good URLs for a little project I wanted to do.

Here's the thing, though: after you save a sntry URL, it automatically saves with a URL that contains the password you used for it. And here's the other thing: I forgot that I had the Wayback Machine extension, which automatically saved every page I visited to the Wayback Machine. You can already see the problem. But surely, nobody is bored enough to go page-by-page in the Wayback Machine just on the off chance that something like that happened! Right?

Well, someone was bored enough. One day, I went to edit my sntry to find that my password wasn't working, and when I exited out of it, I saw that everything had been deleted, save for a graphic of an anime girl with the text, "Claimed by Ciel". When I followed the link, it was another sntry that said, as the first line, all passive-aggressively and shit, "Remember, don't save your edit codes into wayback machine or abandon the url they're associated with". And this person had the balls to be TRADING the URLs that they were admitting to having hacked!! (Labeling MY URLs with stuff like "for trade", and even some of them with "not for trade", which meant that they were keeping it.)

On THAT page, they linked a Retrospring, which is sort of like, an anonymous 'ask me anything' page. The Retrospring was @calamity. (I considered censoring all of the URLs and personal information involved, but this was a fairly public spectacle, so I figured, hey, not like it's doxxable information. Plus, they literally hacked my shit and more, so.) I found out that they also went by the name "Val" there, but I'm gonna continue calling this person "Ciel". I sent them an ask, asking for my URLs back, clarifying that, if they had just asked me, I would've happily given them some of the URLs for free. That went unanswered, so I turned to the Discord for help, and opened a ticket so that the site moderators could get me my URLs back. It took about a week, but I eventually got all of them back, and changed their passwords.

Sntry has a commenting feature, so I left an (admittedly snarky, but can you blame me?) comment on the other person's page, letting them know that I had gotten my URLs back. The worst thing that I said was that going through the Wayback Machine to hack a niche pastebin site's URLs was "hobbyless behavior". Which, considering the fact that they LITERALLY hacked me, I think is fair game.

Come back to my own sntry a few hours later, to see 16 comments when there was previously only 0 or 1. Check the comments... When I tell you there were SO many slurs. Like, one of the comments was just "faggot" copy-pasted, like, at least 20 times. In terms of use in different comments, though, I'd say the r-slur was the most commonly used one. (I don't like that word. Even typing it, even knowing I can 'reclaim' it by, like, most people's "rules". It's just an awful word.) There were also multiple instances of sexual harassment, such as a comment that said, "We are about to touch you," and a comment that said they were edging, and another that said they had finished all over their screen.

Normal behavior.

I think the funniest thing about it, though, was that they were framing it, in their comments, as if I was the one who was a furious keyboard warrior with no life, for leaving the singular (I cannot stress this enough) VERY TAME comment I had left on their page. You know, the singular comment that I had left after they literally hacked my URLs?? And they were going full Call of Duty lobby, slurs and sexual harassment and all, over 10 separate comments, because I... Got... The URLs they wrongfully took from me, breaking the ToS in the process!... Back.

Anyway, once I got over having flashbacks (because, you know, sexual harassment), I sent censored screenshots of this in the sntry Discord server, because I had to make light of it somehow. I sent it with a cheeky joke, like, "Ohh, do you guys think they're mad?" I didn't really mean to prompt the site owner to delete the comments, but someone pinged them, and they did delete them, which was nice. I sent their Retrospring and their sntry site in the Discord server, since it was being discussed actively, and someone said that he might know more about who Ciel is, which was cool.

Here's the thing, though... After that, Ciel updated the page where they had advertised stealing my URLs, responding to my jokes in the Discord server. Which meant that they were in the Discord server... We had an imposter among us. (As the kids say.)

A few hours later? Boom. New slurs in my comments section. Just two comments this time: one that included the phrase, "Tell that faggot "you are doomed to yaoi" to not get any ideas from their pedo friend Dante bestie!"

I decided to leave out the fact that the person who said that they knew who Ciel was had the nickname "you are doomed to no yaoi", because I think that comment is funnier when you don't know that going in. Also, after that, they immediately followed that comment up with, "Happy new year btw," which was really funny.

Anyway, since "you are doomed to no yaoi" (real name Gal) was now being dragged into this, obviously I went into his DMs, like, "Hey, someone's calling you slurs in my comments now, and also being accused of having a pedo friend." And Gal says that he has no idea who this is talking about, because he doesn't know anyone named Dante. So that was weird.

I tell him, "You know, if this is a reaction to you saying you may know Ciel, you probably DO know him, and that scared him." So, Gal went to looking, and came back with a Discord username and receipts; a user sending the same Retrospring that Ciel had put on his page advertising he stole my URLs, telling people to send them asks. Ciel's Discord profile was, fittingly, the very edgy "illalwaysbearound" with an anime girl profile picture.

Now that I had his Discord, Gal and I made a ticket in the official sntry Discord server to get Ciel banned. During which, Gal drops the bomb that, quote, "They're a disgusting person. They have a doc with someone's name, address, etc."

So, we have URL-hacker, slur-slinger, and doxxer Discord user illalwaysbearound. Very cool.

Around this time, I re-open their Retrospring, and see a new post. Someone sent the anonymous ask message: "I need to get my hands on the sentry urls /908 /bedes and /glimwood, no I'm not the original owner but I do think hes a creep and I hate him so hmu we can trade (or not but please hack him even more)". And Ciel responded, "His lame ass took them back and is weirdly obsessed with me. I wouldn't be surprised if someone obsessed with a random guy on a pastebin was a creep, hope you're okay."

Which. I'm sorry, can we get into the projection allegations??? Who was the one who left 16 comments on the other person's sntry calling them slurs? Who was it that watched the other person talk about them and responded to their little jokey-jokes via updating their sntry? And who was it that tried to get in contact with the person one time, before moving onto another means of trying to get their URLs back?? I can't quite seem to remember that last one being Ciel. "They're weirdly obsessed with me," yeah you HACKED ME and then SEXUALLY HARRASSED ME when I got them back! I was so active in talking about him because the situation was STILL ONGOING, and, not to mention, INSANE. Sexual harassment and slurs and hacking over URLs. Little letters at the top of the screen!! (Not to mention this random anonymous person who also has enough beef with me to actively wish malice and encourage people to hack me??)

Now, remember that ask, because that's going to be a secret tool that helps us later.

Anyhow, after Gal and I made that ticket, we successfully got Ciel banned from the Discord. And then, I thought, okay. It's gotta be over now. I have my URLs back, and they're banned.

Little did I know that my Thursday evening came with a THIRD ACT PLOT TWIST. I get a random DM from someone in the sntry Discord server (who I'll call Heavy, because their screenname was 'she's so heavy'; presumably a reference to something), saying that it was THEM who left the second wave of comments, not Ciel. (Ciel still left the first 16-comment barrage, to be clear; this rando Heavy posted the ones about Gal and 'Dante'.)

So, since the ones they were claiming were about Gal, I figured that Gal must know who this is. I DM Gal, HE DOESN'T KNOW THE BITCH! He says he's gonna DM Heavy to find out what their grudge is. I tell him not to. He doesn't listen. He comes back with the information that, apparently, they hadn't known each other, but they had known OF each other. And, apparently, all without interacting directly, Heavy had enough beef with Gal to start throwing SLURS. In the SNTRY COMMENT BOX? GIRL.

The reason that Heavy DMed me this information was so that Ciel wouldn't get banned for the comments that Heavy made (apparently not knowing the other reasons that Ciel would be banned). So, I went back to the Discord server, and got Heavy banned too. Because... Duh.

So, now, it's 11:30pm on a Thursday evening. I have been called multiple slurs and sexually harrassed by one person. My comments box got used as a way to call an unrelated third party slurs. At least two new people actively hate me for URL-related reasons (one of them being that anon), and I have gotten another two people banned from an official Discord server.

This. URL trading shit. Is. SERIOUSSS.

By the way, the sntry that they used to advertise the fact that they hacked my URLs and respond to my jokes is still up. It's, if you're curious.

But that's not all. No, no, no. Because my Thursday evening comes not just with a third act plot twist, but with an epilogue.

See, I was recounting all of this to a friend of mine, soon after it happened. I posited the idea that the person who sent that ask encouraging Ciel to hack me more was a particularly infamous Bede kin. Now, Bede from Pokemon is my highest ID, and I have seen another person with Bede as their highest ID, claiming Bede-related URLs on multiple platforms. Namely, I remember running across their carrd, which they dedicated the whole entirety of to saying that they are LITERALLY Bede in real life, and all doubles are IMITATORS and FAKES and they're the only REAL Bede and blah blah blah. (Yeah, one of Those.) And, after I saw that carrd, I kept seeing this same person cropping up, claiming Bede-related URLs, with text saying something along the lines of, "I'm the only real Bede," on each claimed URL. Real pleasant guy. Anyhow, since all of the URLs that anon named as ones they wanted to keep away from me were Bede-related ones, and this is a known person who cares about URLs who is aggressive towards Bede doubles, I suspect that it may be them.

So, I go to get an example of a claimed URL with "doubles are fakers"-type text, to send to this friend as an example. I go and check on one of the ones that I remember them claiming, and see the text:

"L im the only bede

update 23/12/23: hi azure"


And, by the way: guess when that ask saying that the anonymous person "needed" my URLs because I'm "a creep" and that I should be hacked more was sent? You guessed it! The 23rd of December.

So, APPARENTLY, this "all doubles are imitators" bitch knows that I exist and has active malice for me. Cool.

(There's a high likelihood that they know about me / wish active malice for me specifically because I long ago claimed the 'bede' URL on rentry, which is funny. An "all doubles are fakers, I'm the only me" URL-hoarder having the canon URL of their main kintype taken by a kin double... I know this man wants me DEAD.)

On the bright side, since this person Apparently actively wishes harm for me, I did a little looking around and found out who they are aside from "that one Bede kin". Apparently, they mainly go by "Eden" and "Knives", in the 'Spirit of Eden' system. So, I guess I've gotta look out for those names now, too, along with Ciel or Val.

Again. All of this over URLs. And now kin doubles.

The internet truly is full of all flavors of weirdos getting unimaginably angry over the nichest subjects conceivable.