Fanart of Travis Phelps from Sally Face, writing in a journal

Welcome to my diary. Be warned that nothing here is accompanied by a trigger warning. It is the unfiltered talking space of someone who, in a word, "is fucked up". This isn't a happy or relaxing page! Proceed only if your curiosity outweighs any discomfort with dark topics.

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Lyric of the Day: But how long can we keep playing / Until the game / Undermines the status quo? / It's all PROPAGANDA! PROP-PROPAGANDA!


Maia is NOT taking a BREAK with these findings! She has leaked 810 more hateful emails from that same thread. I haven't had the mental capacity to go through them yet, unfortunately. I'm still kind of fucked up from reading the last set. But it is continuing to do the Lord's work!!

One of the assignments I was given for my literature class was to keep a diary, which I was already doing, so I sent in some of my entries for the halfway point check-in (we need 24 entries in total, I sent in 12). After censoring some of it, of course. But, my teacher sent me back this feedback for my diary entries:

"A great journal -- I like how you are comfortable with writing; how expressive you are; how you write about ANYTHING; how you can work out ideas here; how you are so literate and interesting! You are refreshing amongst so many students who are just biding their time with little awareness of the world!!!! THERE IS A WRITING CONTEST IN APRIL! ARE YOU SUBMITTING?! I'm attaching it here again...."

Which, of course, made me REALLY happy. But I hadn't known about the writing contest! It seemed to be for a limited number of places in some sort of journal. I submitted one of my art pieces (my traffic light trio headphone series), and my analysis piece on BAD END THEATER. No clue if either of those will get in or not!

But, what my literature teacher said reminded me of something my fifth (?) grade teacher said. She was a grumpy old woman sent straight from hell. She cussed at the students, openly stated who was her favorite, and it all sort of makes sense once you learn that my class was her last one before retirement, so she could basically do whatever she wanted. But even still (even though she HATED my ass), she would praise my writing to everyone. Saying, "See, what's great about Azure's writing is that she writes like she's speaking." Which I remember, even now.

Also in class, in speech, we were all supposed to give presentations about people who we looked up to. One that stood out to me was this really pretty girl's presentation. She dressed so nice, typical beauty queen, but her presentation was on Stan Lee, and she talked about his huge influence on the comic book world. And, in her presentation, she showed us a picture that she took with him at a convention, where she was much younger and had messier hair and braces. I didn't find it... Funny, per say, but rather... Interesting? Charming? I love the variety of the human experience, and when the outside doesn't match what you expect of the inside.

I've been doing eye stretches recently! It's supposed to help with eyestrain. I'm supposed to look at something 20 feet away for a few seconds, then 10 feet, then 1 foot away. Then, roll my eyes twice, then look as far as I can manage both ways twice. And do this for every 2 hours I look at a screen! But I almost think I might be doing it too often? It'll become a nervous, paranoid habit if I'm not careful. Ehe.

As-of my writing of this, the current Splatfest (Nessie vs Aliens vs Bigfoot) is still ongoing! If the question of the Splatfest was, "Which is your favorite?", I would have totally been team Nessie. But since it was, "Which is real?", I'm on team Alien. I mean, the universe is infinite, so there's no way that we're the only form of intelligent life in all of the universe! Right? I actually forgot about the Splatfest for most of the first day, so I sort of rushed to make sure to get the top rank! I'm already Ruler rank, right now, but I may play some more after I finish writing this entry. Maybe not until the Splatfest ends, but close to it...

Wahh, thinking about it is making me wanna play...! I can't wait, I'll be right back! AH!

Okay. I did end up playing until the end of the Splatfest. Oops. Splatoon is so fun, ughh! But I feel like I'm really bad at it. On the other hand, though, I see people posting that sentiment all the time, so I think maybe EVERYONE just feels like they suck at it, ehe. I'm level 26 with 75+ hours in Splatoon 3 right now, but, in Splatoon 2, I was level 40 with 181 hours! I imagine as time goes on I'll definitely surpass my Splatoon 2 time, especially since I got into Splatoon 2 near the tail end of the Splatfests. Not to mention the Splatoon 3 DLC!!! Right now, wave 1 is already out. This Splatfest was the first time that I ever got to see the Squid Sisters preform live in-game, as I wasn't into Splatoon at the time of 1's release!! It's so exciting! But wave 2's DLC, Side Order... With my favorite sapphiclopods (Marina and Pearl) heavily featured, along with one of my favorite Agents, and what's been hinted at the story / concept looking like if they took the Splatoon vent art of every mentally ill 14-year-old and used it as concept art... (And I mean that last thing as an EXTREMELY POSITIVE statement...) OUGH!!!! SOOOO EXCITING! AHHH! The concept reminds me of the early concept art for Octo Expansion, which seemed to draw inspiration from hospitals... Ahhh I can't wait!! Splatoon 3's story mode by itself was a MASTERCLASS of writing for the series, so I look forward to Side Order possibly living up to that too! (Although, of course, I have complicated, bittersweet feelings related to it, as it is the last bit of the Splatoon story that will ever be released...)

Speaking of media... Against my better wishes, my partner has begun watching Voltron: Legendary Defenders! He's on early season 2 right now. I've talked to ziem about how it was important to me growing up, and I ranted and raved about how awful the writing and the story became, and why it was such a disaster, buuut zie did it anyway. To know more about me, which is sweet, but also sun keeps on talking to me about it, and...

Don't make me go back. I can't go back to the "MOVE IT, SHALADIN" "Klance is canon king" "I say Vol you say tron" trenches. DON'T SEND ME BAAACK-


Lyric of the Day: There will come a poet / Whose weapon is his word / He will slay you with his tongue / Oh lei, oh lai, oh, Lord


Yesterday, I went with some other students from the neurodiversity club to film something to be shown at a gathering of teachers, to help them learn about autistic students! In the days beforehand, the teacher in charge of the club kept saying that she really wanted me specifically to be there. I joked with my mom in the car about this, saying, "Apparently, I can articulate myself well." And she replied. "YEAH... YA DO. Since, like, 2 years old!!"

She then told me about a time that I was left alone with an uncle of mine for a while when I was younger, and, when the uncle saw my parents next, he was like, "I'm going to need a DICTIONARY to keep up with your child. How old are they again??" And my mom had to be like, "2 years old." Which is very silly.

But, the thing itself went great! I had to get up real early for it, but I didn't mind it as much as I thought I would. Especially since the teacher brought donuts, and covered me to buy a water bottle from the vending machine.

While I was waiting, I blew my hair out of my face (trying to grow my bangs back out after accidentally cutting them too short, and my bangs are at that stage where they're too short to be brushed aside, but long enough to get in my eyes), and the boy next to me (autistic and waiting his turn to be recorded also) noticed. I think that he thought that I was irritated or anxious. He held up his hand and asked, "Pat or no pat?" And after I said 'pat', he patted my shoulder, then silently pulled a stim toy out of his bag and handed it to me. The whole interaction made me think about how people often say that autistic people are rude, or at least come across that way. But a lot of autistic people are very kind.

While I was recording my part, my teacher (who was giving me questions to answer) kept responding, "Excellent, excellent," and then, on our way out, once we were done, she grabbed me by my shoulders and shook me around a bit to say, all excited, how good I did. It made me really happy! I'd hope I'd made my points well.

Alas. I can't simply write about my life without having some sort of update on The Bullshit. The Missouri Attorney General (as of April 13th, 2023) just used an Emergency Rule to ban all gender-affirming care for people of all ages (yes, adults) in the state. In order to receive any care, trans people would have to have 3 years of documented "severe" dysphoria, 18 months of state-mandated conversion therapy, and have zero mental health conditions (specifically anxiety, depression or autism; you gotta love how ableism and transphobia so often goes hand in hand). Then, they would require tests for "social contagion" for 15 years after starting their transition. This will basically mean that tens of thousands of trans people will be forced off of medical care.

I also learned, in related news, that the institute named for the person who literally COINED the term "genocide" has been calling the policy and practice of the anti-trans movement genocidal. So there's that!

BUT I don't wanna leave this entry off with a bummer! So, here are some updates on the "Oops! All Autistic!" zine! The zine I'm making about autistic characters in animation!

Mod applications have concluded, and I've got everyone into a Discord server! Thankfully, all the spots were filled by a bunch of talented folks! I opened contributor applications yesterday, and we got 25+ applications within the first DAY! Which is SUPER exciting! I'm trying to not look too closely at the applications just yet but I'm already seeing a lot of talent!!! I made a bunch of Google Spreadsheets for both keeping track of applications, and also for the eventual judging process! So, so exciting!!

OH, and I applied for another zine too! Someone else's. It's a Danganronpa zine themed around trans pride! I figured it would help pick me up with the recent surge of trans hate, if I was accepted. Plus, I figure that I could pretty easily manage both writing for that and running my own zine, because writing for me takes a very short while. I should get a response on my application by the 21st!

Oh, and, re: my last entry, my boyfriend has officially dragged me back into Voltron. The difference between the last entry and this entry is the difference between that 'nooo don't turn me into bread nooo!!!' 'actually, being bread is fine, I don't care anymore' memes.


Lyric of the Day: Now the finale's done and I'm alone / I'm on a Netflix trip here on my phone / But who I am is in these episodes / So don't you tell me that it's just a show


I forgot to mention this in my earlier entry, but The Owl House's finale aired the other day. There are, as expected, things related to Hunter's arc that pissed me off. (Namely, Flapjack being replaced by another bird named fucking WAFFLE. Very subtle, guys.) But that's a whole other rant.

My feelings are... Complicated. I started watching the series when I was around Luz's age. Even though it did go to absolute shit in regards to my source-self's arc, which soured my opinion of it greatly, its presence has been a constant in my life for a long time. And it's been important to me for just as long, too. Despite its fuckups, its unabashed queerness has meant a lot. Luz is probably one of the characters I can relate to the most in most modern media, and her arc on neurodivergency as a bisexual teen is very important to me. It's done a lot of revolutionary things. Not to mention that I am Hunter. It's my source, and I hold a connection to it, even though I sometimes wish I didn't. Despite my changing opinion, it's still really bittersweet to see it end, and know that I'll never again see new content of any of these characters who have been with me through so much. In ways that I don't think I've ever felt before, and in ways that I can't quite manage to put into words that feel accurate enough. (That's partially why I chose the song I did for this entry; the lyric, "Who I am is in these episodes," is able to put into words some of these feelings that I can't quite convey myself. Parts of myself can be found in The Owl House. The person I was when I watched the episodes as they aired will always be a part of my experience of this show. So, in a way, my past few years and this piece of art are deeply intertwined. You can find me in the show, and you can find the show in me.)

Although, I suppose it doesn't ever have to end. There's so much fan content; fan content that will fill the holes that I wanted canon to. And, if I ever miss the voices of the Hexsquad, all I have to do is turn on the TV.

I ordered the official Flapjack plushie as soon as the finale was over, though. I set an alarm on my phone to make sure I didn't forget. I really wished I had him when Thanks To Them aired for the first time and, though I asked my parents to order it for me, it turned out they didn't. I've always wanted him, as he is my Palisman, and that want changed to more of a needas season 3 aired. A need that sometimes got to the point of crying or feeling sick. I've really, really missed Flap... So it's a relief to know I'll have him in my arms again soon.


Lyric of the Day: Life can be like a dream, if you let me be your queen / You know where to find me: on your telephone screen!


MY FLAPJACK PLUSHIE ARRIVED!!!! HE'S SO SOFT AND SWEET and he comes with a magnet so that he can sit on my shoulder again...! He's also sized the same as he was in my memories...! Waugh... I cried of happiness when he first arrived... My best friend...

Flapjack plushie

I also finally watched Serial Experiments Lain, after seeing it all over Neocities for so long! It took a few minutes of research to really understand it, but I really enjoyed it. Like everyone else on this webhost, apparently, I really loved and related to Lain. I want to try and see if I can consume the PS1 version next. I hear it's more brutal, and more focused on Lain's mental health, as opposed to the anime. There's even a data dump of it that's hosted on a website, so I could play it for free! But, that being said, I also hear it's tedious as hell to play through, so I dunno. I hope that I can just find some subtitled gameplay on YouTube.

I'm also nearing finals season for college! What a pain. I'm never really nervous about the outcome for this type of thing, unless it's math... It's just overwhelming, because of all of the big assignments at once, is all. Gotta take extra-good care of myself around this time.